The Angel

The first milestone I had was when I graduated in prep school. It was made more unforgettable because I sung onstage. Long before The Voice Kids  or Tawag ng Tanghalan Kids  happened, I tortured my poor classmates, their parents and guests, and my teachers with my voice. In my defense, my teachers made me do it. The succeeding milestones in my life were all that--graduations. From elementary, high school, and finally college. I say finally  because I'm glad that my formal education is over. I have no plans for further studies, except those short courses online that tap into my neglected creative side.

With the death of Whitney last weekend, I felt a sadness, a sense of loss that life was slipping through my fingers as time marches unforgivingly forward. It wasn't so much a tragedy for me; it didn't make me grab my music player and create an all-Whitney playlist. It was the thought that a voice from my childhood had passed on. Impressionistic as I was when I was a kid, I learned her songs through cousins who belted, wailed and screamed "I Have Nothing" before segueing into "I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me.)" I didn't know who she was, not even her name (I was too young to bother with names of singers) until she belted out "Indayyyyyyy," stretching the "I" into an existential command, almost willing it to become a living entity. I was near the end of my single-digit life then and much of my life was still pegged in some dreamy future. You are the next generation.  That's what the schools had ingrained in my head.

When I read about a TV actor who came out recently, I was gladdened--especially when I learned that he has a long-term partner and adopted children. I thought, that's promising. I've read of others, stories of another era, of guys being in long-term relationships, but eventually, in the later years of their lives, opting to open the relationship to others. I've always felt discouraged and disheartened by that. The way people seem to take so lightly their commitments and relationships. I know that some subscribe to that. As an acquaintance had told me not long ago, cheating and third or even fourth parties are the most common causes of breakups in gay relationships--so why not just have an open relationship? And I thought: what if you have an open relationship and you fell hard on your side dish and he wants to be exclusive? Well, that has never happened, he said. In the long run, you'll get bored with each other. Oh. You don't have to be gay to have that r...

Whenever someone would ask me, I used to say I'll never do it, in a low growl that said, how can you even ask me that question? I used to think it was unnecessary, completely symbolic, and it makes a mockery of the real thing. I used to think I never needed it. Until the world, in a way, opened my eyes. It was last year, I remember. I read a news article about a man denied of seeing his life partner of more than 40 years in his last moments because they're not, in any way, related. Only family and bloodlines were allowed. He who spent all his waking and sleeping moments with the dying was barred because nothing in the law said they were related, not by blood nor by ring. There were several other stories I've read through the months. Of health benefits not being extended to a partner simply because they weren't married; of partners being denied lodging simply because both of them happened to be males; of the killings in African nations simply because of who they are....

This much I know about myself.  I’ll never be able to get around the kitchen without a recipe book.  The most that I can cook is rice and anything fried.  Even frying something gives the possibility of getting it burnt (well done, to be nice about it.)  I’ll never have the aesthetic and the capability to keep a house looking clean, interior-designed and decorated.  On that note, I know I can never maintain a house clean for more than a week.  Things will be messy before the week ends.  I’ll never be able to iron clothes properly. They always come out like they’ve never been ironed at all.  I’ll never be able to do my own laundry.  I’ve tried before but it’s exhausting and back-breaking.  I’d rather wash the dishes.  It’s probably the only thing I can do around the house.  Aside from fixing defective light bulbs or leaky faucets.  I have two left feet when it comes to household chores.  I’ll never have the patience to shop for clothes.  It will always irritate me.  And I’ll never care m...

I have to write this down, because the opposite tends to happen after I’ve said or written it.  Everything else had come true, except for the last one. There were many things she said about me, how I am not of the journalistic kind.  I’m not the one to write down facts, but make up stories.  That I could spend hours lost in space, because my imagination always runs amuck. You seem to be in the middle of a big decision in your career.  You’re one foot in, one foot out.  I see travels within six months, out of the country.  Any relationship you have now or will have within the next two years will be trial relationships.  It will never last.  When you’re 30 or 31, you will meet someone and that will be the one.  The in-laws will not be welcoming to you, but you won’t care and it won’t matter to you. That was the end of October last year.  The seasons have ended by January.  I did quit work and did go out of the country last Decem...