The Angel

The world is in chaos down below.  Too many buildings rising, too many cars passing by, too many people walking.  The humidity almost makes me want to add a bimpo  as a fashion accessory.  I had conditioned myself before to expect that it would be crowded, but it's more crowded than I imagined it would be.  A couple of days ago, I met up with a high school friend and she asked me, "For good na ba ang uwi mo?"  And I said, "For better or worse."  Till death do you part?  Well, that's the goal.

The first thing I will tell you is that the guy that got you all confused in the first place, the one that pushed you over the edge and made you gay grew up to be ordinary. His face has changed for the worse, he has a belly and you wouldn't notice him in a crowd. All your fantasies about him would gross me out now. Like, eww. What are you thinking?

Did you ever wonder, he said, why we didn't become a couple? No, not really. I replied. Sometimes I do, he said. Why didn't we? I dunno. We were at different places, I guess. Really? You think? I don't know! I've never thought about it. Haha.

My mother shared an anecdote last Sunday on how I ended up calling her Mama,  while I called my father Daddy. She said when I was less than a year older, she taught me to call her Mama , which I did. But every time she taught me to call my father Papa , I would shake my head and motion to her that papa  is to eat. So eventually she ended up teaching me to call my father Daddy-- which stuck. "Even when you were a baby, you were already stubborn," she said, laughing. Many years hence, my parents (mostly my mother) and I have had many skirmishes when they forced something on me that I didn't want. Whether it was going to mass every day or abstaining from meat every Friday; sleeping in the summer afternoons or choosing the books to read (my mother once destroyed a copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone when some misguided Church leader said it was of the devil)--I've always stood my ground when I really didn't want it . 

It was while watching Marvel's The Avengers  that I realized why it's such an uphill battle for the gay community to achieve equal rights or gain even a modicum of respect from the rest of the world. When the superheroes were fighting each other, I remembered an article I read earlier about the movie, how the director fought for Black Widow to be included in the lineup. His argument was simple: take the woman out and it becomes a very homoerotic movie. I don't know how my mind connects these things, but it's hard for us to get a foothold of being treated as equals, because we ourselves have certain biases within us. There's a certain kind of gay that's acceptable and there are those who are only good for ridicule. P're effem ka ba?  While I don't see anything wrong in preferring certain types when looking for a partner or relationship, I find it sad how others could be so condemning of something that's inherent--and maybe even unchangeable--on some...

Today would be my 2 years in this country, although I've moved to a different state since then. The first thing I noticed here is that moving from one state to another is a BIG deal. It's tantamount to moving from one country to another. Driver's license has to change, car plates, insurance--everything. It's like starting over again. People don't easily move from one state to another, because it means a different set of state laws (a striking example would be the recognition of gay marriage in some states,) a different computation of taxes (I pay more income tax in KY than in FL, but sales tax is lower,) a different demographic (more white, more conservative, etc.) Contrast that to how Filipinos are so raring to move out of the country, an anywhere-but-here mentality. It was an eye-opener for me to see how difficult it was for Americans to uproot themselves from one state to another. Most gave up their jobs, (which was hard given the economic climate) choosing to st...

"How mean," a friend once remarked when I said how some people are such sissies. "But that's how I see it." I argued. "What is a sissy? Isn't it being cowardly? Being weak?" "Yes, but..." "So how would you consider someone who requires someone to have a list of material things to own? Oh, my boyfriend must have a car, a condo, rich, blah, blah, blah. Isn't that a sign of weakness? A sign of dependence? A kind of effeminacy, a regression to the dark ages when women were the weaker sex and they need these things as security for their future? Why should these things be on the MUST list for a boyfriend? Is he too weak to earn on his own? Is he not man enough to dream these things as something he could acquire for himself rather than necessitating these things on some dreamboat?" "Still..."