The Exception

I don't know what my line of thought was last night; it tends to drift off from one to another. But one of that was my ex. He had emailed before, a curt how are you, and I didn't reply. I remember the last time we talked, late last year, the first time we had talked in a very long time. He was in the US then. He went to Florida thinking I was still there. But I had moved.

He had said all the right things, as if reading a script from a romantic movie; I laughed, mostly. Plumbing the depths of whatever heart I have, I couldn't find anything for him. No love, no regret, no hatred, no bitterness. I talked to him as if we were two strangers seated beside a bar, having a drink.

I wasn't reminiscing or wondering how he is or what part of the world he's in. But I realized why I never wanted to reconcile with him. Not simply because he was dating others while we were together. But a more fundamental reason, one that took me some time to see.

He was a typical gay guy, a nice body--abs especially would make him do a double and triple look. One who went to the gym to admire bodies and be admired. Clothes--he had them tailor-made and he changed wardrobe monthly or quarterly. He would die if someone could give him a ticket to the annual Cosmo's Bachelor party--he subscribed to them.  And he had a list of crushes that went from A to Z, essentially anyone with a nice body would be on his list.

He's obsessed with his body. Many times I've told him that he might be anorexic, because a one pound increase in his weight would send him to a crash diet and hours in the gym. And sometimes, just to mock him with his obsession, I'd go into the opposite end of skipping gym and eating a lot. Now I realized that the obsession, the over-emphasis on appearances, turned me off.

He's not really alone. I remember going out with someone who can't stop talking about this actor (I can't remember the name) who goes to the same gym he goes to. I got very vivid descriptions of the actor's anatomy and what he wore and didn't wear to the gym. There's too much emphasis on the material and the physical.

As I have come to realize, he was a typical gay guy. And this was the reason why I never thought of going back with him. Because, I realized, I wasn't looking for the typical. I was looking for the exception.