Overdue

I think I'm overdue for a good cry. I'm a little bit exhausted, tired of life itself. Still out of tune, out of sync from what I want. Dreams are still expensive and seemingly impossible. Out of a thousand miles to that goal, I'm just fifty miles in, with so many stops, restarts, and detours.


Let's do a little math. The life expectancy in the Philippines is around 25,000 days. With my current age--and considering I actually live to that life expectancy (which I very much doubt)--that leaves me with 13,300 days until the Great Oblivion. Very much close to what is, essentially, a midlife. Much has happened in those 11,000+ days. From deaths, to almost-deaths, to rebirths.

And here's why I think I'm overdue for that one good cry: because despite all that, I don't know how or what to feel about those days gone by. I think I should feel something. But instead I feel a hollowness. Not quite a shadow or a blackness, but a void in place of what should be a human heart. One that feels rage and anger, guilt and pain--any feeling at all to aid me learn the lessons that the past should bear.

Sometimes I ask myself: what happened to that kid who used to write those mushy poems in high school? I was all heart then, but now I don't know. Maybe I'm just weary. Weary of the usual storms, the battles, and the struggles of life. Life can be such an overbearing cliché; a cycle of ups and downs. Like a runaway wheel of a speeding car that never knows where it has to go. Until it stops.

Comments

  1. I'm sure he's still in there somewhere just waiting for you to call him back. What I recently discovered is within what seems like a bitter hollow is a heart wrapped in callouses. Pa-heart spa na tayo!

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    Replies
    1. Haha. I'm not sure if he's really somewhere inside. I'm gonna try and find out. Might take a short course on psychology to understand the "self".

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