Enough to try.

Inasmuch as I want to do away with computers, I can't.  It's my bread and butter.  Without it, I'd be a pornstar.  But I've been trying to limit myself, or at least be conscious of, how much time I spend online.  It seems I am always online or I can always be online.  I sleep and wake up with a cellphone beside me, the first and last thing I check when I wake up and before I sleep.  That is if I don't fall asleep holding a book.

I see it, now, as a necessity to stay connected to the life I used to live; but I'm still censuring myself.  There are times I feel like I go overboard, saying a hundred million spontaneous things that's like opening a floodgate of consciousness than a stream.  I want to take a step back and just observe, for the meantime.  Stay in the background and just read, occasionally posting random things in blogs, commenting on certain tweets or Facebook statuses.  There are a lot of excesses I can live without.

It was a weird feeling today, a day like any other that simply felt off.  There was nothing wrong I can particularly pinpoint, just a general feeling of uneasiness, like maybe I've said too much or ate too much or slept too little or said all the wrong things.  Me and the world just didn't fit very well.  This was one of those days when I had to take a pause and think: what matters?

I need something to focus on, trim my excesses and appropriate my expenses.  I realized I still don't know where I'm moving to.  I just seem to be going where the guy blows, no particular direction, no specific goals, no milestones, no anything at all.  This is where the uneasiness comes from.  There is so much waste in not gunning for anything.

But sometimes I can't help it, I still live from day to day because I don't know where to go from here.  The routine and the familiar cycle somehow provide a specificity on something as tenuous as the rest of my life.  That maybe if I just go through with it, life will iron itself out, figure itself out without me complicating things.  Still, I need something to hold on to, I need something to work for, to want and to aim for.  I feel restless just letting time take its course and me wandering waywardly through it.  It's not efficient and I've always disliked inefficiency.  Something has to be done, something can be done.  The difference of a response from a reaction to a predicament.  Maybe somewhere between fate and destiny is a reason and a will to make something on my own.  A sense of accomplishment that my time here has not been all for naught.

Comments

  1. ChipJune 9, 2010 at 4:31 PM

    First step in the scientific method (as discussed by my high school science teacher):

    Once you have identified what (or 'who' hahaha!) you really want, then you have started your real journey.

    Kaso masyado ka atang maraming gusto. Hmm. Hindi ba?

    ReplyDelete
  2. ChipJune 9, 2010 at 4:33 PM

    Ay bakit nawala yung first step??? Na-type ko kaya yan kanina!!

    Ulit!

    First step in the scientific method (as discussed by my high school science teacher): Defining the problem.

    There you go.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Closeted

Image
We die everyday. The moment we step out of our houses, we become sensitive to how the world will see us. We mute our colors and hide the mannerisms that could betray us. We try as hard as possible to be inconspicuous in our words and actions. We look for nuances of what makes a man straight and so we stifle our tendencies and inclinations in order to be like them. We call the men bro or dude  or whatever sounds manly in the offices that we work in.
Read more

The Gym Chronicles I

I keep forgetting that this is the country of miles and feet, not of kilometers and meters; of kilograms and fahrenheit, not of pounds and celsius. I stepped into the treadmill, pressed quick start, and after a few seconds accelerated the machine until it read 15.  Whoa, was it fast!  Out of breath and almost falling down, I realized that 15mph translates to about 24kph.  Hey, if there's any consolation, I can still compute even in the midst of impending embarrassment. After a solid 20 minutes of running stationary, I went down and started acquainting myself with the place.  It was very similar to the gym I used to go to in the Philippines, although it's about twice the size of the gym in Eastwood and there was still the whole expanse of the 2nd floor.  There were four rooms for racquetball, one basketball court, one swimming pool, two rooms for group exercises, and a cycling studio.  There were a lot more machines though and the increments were not by ...
Read more

Not my type

It's not false modesty when I diffuse people's compliments on how I look.  In the gym, it has ranged from "nice lookin' man" to "hot Asian" or "mighty cute" to "the nicest smile this state has ever seen."  Sometimes I'd fake a smile, say thanks, or look at them quizzically.  Because I don't get it. I remember what my friend used to say: kung mabenta ka sa ibang bansa, ibig sabihin pangit ka sa Pinas kasi gusto ng foreigners exotic. I can live better with that rather than a string of compliments that I don't consider real.  I've known myself consciously for a million years, stared reluctantly and begrudgingly at the mirror every waking moment, and I never saw what others did.  I never liked what I saw and I've simplified a lot of things, like shaving my hair regularly, so that I won't have to spend half my life staring at a mirror. I'm comfortable with my skin, but I'm just not my type.  If I were to...
Read more