Enough to try.

Inasmuch as I want to do away with computers, I can't.  It's my bread and butter.  Without it, I'd be a pornstar.  But I've been trying to limit myself, or at least be conscious of, how much time I spend online.  It seems I am always online or I can always be online.  I sleep and wake up with a cellphone beside me, the first and last thing I check when I wake up and before I sleep.  That is if I don't fall asleep holding a book.

I see it, now, as a necessity to stay connected to the life I used to live; but I'm still censuring myself.  There are times I feel like I go overboard, saying a hundred million spontaneous things that's like opening a floodgate of consciousness than a stream.  I want to take a step back and just observe, for the meantime.  Stay in the background and just read, occasionally posting random things in blogs, commenting on certain tweets or Facebook statuses.  There are a lot of excesses I can live without.

It was a weird feeling today, a day like any other that simply felt off.  There was nothing wrong I can particularly pinpoint, just a general feeling of uneasiness, like maybe I've said too much or ate too much or slept too little or said all the wrong things.  Me and the world just didn't fit very well.  This was one of those days when I had to take a pause and think: what matters?

I need something to focus on, trim my excesses and appropriate my expenses.  I realized I still don't know where I'm moving to.  I just seem to be going where the guy blows, no particular direction, no specific goals, no milestones, no anything at all.  This is where the uneasiness comes from.  There is so much waste in not gunning for anything.

But sometimes I can't help it, I still live from day to day because I don't know where to go from here.  The routine and the familiar cycle somehow provide a specificity on something as tenuous as the rest of my life.  That maybe if I just go through with it, life will iron itself out, figure itself out without me complicating things.  Still, I need something to hold on to, I need something to work for, to want and to aim for.  I feel restless just letting time take its course and me wandering waywardly through it.  It's not efficient and I've always disliked inefficiency.  Something has to be done, something can be done.  The difference of a response from a reaction to a predicament.  Maybe somewhere between fate and destiny is a reason and a will to make something on my own.  A sense of accomplishment that my time here has not been all for naught.

Comments

  1. ChipJune 9, 2010 at 4:31 PM

    First step in the scientific method (as discussed by my high school science teacher):

    Once you have identified what (or 'who' hahaha!) you really want, then you have started your real journey.

    Kaso masyado ka atang maraming gusto. Hmm. Hindi ba?

    ReplyDelete
  2. ChipJune 9, 2010 at 4:33 PM

    Ay bakit nawala yung first step??? Na-type ko kaya yan kanina!!

    Ulit!

    First step in the scientific method (as discussed by my high school science teacher): Defining the problem.

    There you go.

    ReplyDelete

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